Wednesday 25 May 2016

10 signs your lovely toddler may be entering the "twatty twos"

Toddlers! They're great aren't they?! All wobbly and cute, still baby-cuddly but finally developing a personality that means you can actually start enjoying them as little people in their own right. You get a couple of months of this loveliness, and then, out of nowhere, you're hit with a tsunami of rage and whinging so terrible it is remembered with fear by parents everywhere.

Oh yes, the terrible twos, or more appropriately in my case, the twatty twos. 

With Em this stage started around 18 months and lasted until after she turned three, so I know I'm in for a while of it with Max, but she did turn into a reasonable, hilarious human being eventually so I have hopes for him too. 

They're not high hopes, but they're definitely there.

So, having been through this once already it isn't quite as terrifying this time around, although Max's symptoms are a little more pronounced than Em's ever were, and I thought it would be fun (and informative!) to share some of the things that clued me in that my little darling is on the turn!

And so in no particular order, here they are:

1) There is a sudden rebellion when it comes to nappy changing. He will twist, he will turn, he will double kick you in the face, all in the defense of a poo so disgusting it must surely be burning his bum?! Once the nappy is off he will become his normal smiling self again...only to resume the fight when you try to put a new nappy back on. There is no sense to this.

Does he hate the nappy? 
Does he hate being dressed?
Is he just taking the absolute piss?

Looking for sense in the terrible two's is futile. Therein lies madness!

2) He's perfecting "the banana", which sounds cute, but is more like a full on knock-down drag out fight to the death over whether or not he is going into his car seat. This is always, always performed in a carpark, in full view of another mother, one who has twice the number of kids, but who is somehow beautifully dressed (usually she's wearing heels, HEELS!) and who's fully in control of all her delightfully well behaved children. Cow. 

You always try and sound like you're supernanny, all "there there darling, sit down for mommy, there's a love" through gritted teeth, all the while thinking "just you wait you little shit, I've got a million photos of you naked but for a bandana and an amusing hat and I'm going to spend your teenage years showing them to anyone who will let me!". Bahahahahaha!!!!!! *sobs*

3) You have been waiting for months to hear him utter his first words, and when suddenly he learned some you were ecstatic, but now, after months of hearing "UP!", "DOWN!" and "NOOOO!!!!" screeched at the top of his lungs approximately once ever 2.5 seconds you are beginning to wonder why humans need language at all.

4) He hates the buggy. He hates his reigns. He hates holding your hand. How dare you try to restrain him?! He is a strong, independant baby and he certainly doesn't need you holding him back. Oh look, he's fallen over for the 100th time today. "How could you let me fall over?!!!" 


5) He refuses to eat the carefully prepared meals you make him, but when he finds a slice of burned toast you threw out for the birds three days ago in the flowerbed it's a full-on fight to the death to get it back.

6) His hobbies include: putting things in the toilet, spilling drinks, crying about things he's put in the toilet, scaring cats, and breaking your spirit.

7) He has two settings, perfectly happy, and totally devastasted. There is no in between, and the transition from one to the other can happen in seconds.

8) He throws tantrums to protest the injustice of being prevented from scalping his sister. This is your fault. He usually hurts himself during the tantrum. This is also your fault.

9) He is completely oblivious to my existence....until I try to make a cup of coffee/check my phone. Then, he appears, and like a whingey limpet attaches himself to my leg screeching "Mama!! Up!!" until I relent and pick him up. Wherupon he instantly struggles to get out of my arms. Obviously.

And finally, and this might just be me......

10) He deems it acceptable to approach me, as I am bent over drying my legs after a shower, and slap me, hard, in the tit. 

Then he laughs.

F. M. L.

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